The Business of Motherhood (this is long)

I have worked on this post for a long time. I actually wonder whether I wrote this to be read by others or just for me to express myself. Some things you might agree with. Some things might be "old news" to you. Some things might chafe a little- you may disagree. This is my space to think out my feelings and beliefs, and I allow you to disagree if you wish. Here are some things I have been researching, pondering, and talking about lately.


I am so grateful for modern medicine. I am amazed at things that doctors and science are able to accomplish-- we hear of new miracles God is working through these hands every day. But... they AREN'T God. You DON'T have to do EVERYTHING your OB says, just because he said it. He is your doctor, and he is (usually) trying to do what he thinks is best for you and your baby. But he isn't God. He isn't your mother. He isn't YOU. Only YOU can know your body, you know what absolutely feels right for you, only you can make choices for you. (I'm not saying don't ever listen to a medical professional, btw- just don't follow blindly- listen to your intuition, listen to God and what HE tells you is right for you with equal weight as you do your doctor.) I was blessed to have wonderful OB's that were very respectful and kind towards me, my wishes and my babies. I am grateful that I delivered in a hospital that was very baby-friendly, and everything happened that I wanted out of birth at that time. Both deliveries with my two children were pretty routine- nothing went wrong, I felt safe and listened to, and I was happy with those experiences.

I don't know if I could honestly be satisfied NOW with another hospital birthing experience like my first two. As well as they went, I just don't want the same things anymore. I have learned so much about birthing in the past month or two, and I am equally, if not more amazed at the miracles that WOMEN are performing on their OWN, without drugs and hospital procedures and interventions, empowered and free.

At this point, the first thing out of everyone's mouth that I have talked to this about was "didn't you have an epidural with both your babies?". I did- but I'm not ashamed of that. I shouldn't feel ashamed of that- although I admit when this was said to me I felt ashamed. I am not. Like I said, I am happy with the experiences that I had in the hospital- they really were just what I wanted at each time in my life. My perspective is different as I look back. I'm also trying not to let that sentence be a discouraging factor in what I NOW want for my next birthing experience. I've read some about Hypnobabies, and I really don't know all of what that class teaches, and I'm not sure I'm sold on the idea, but one thing I did like about what I read was how it focuses on positive thoughts and feelings. I've tried to take that into my life and just be more positive overall. It's healthier that way. :)

A big reason that I want a drug-free/intervention-free birth the next time is the BOND created between mother and child. I don't want my baby to have to come into the world fighting to stay awake because I've flooded his system with dangerous drugs so I can have the convenience of a pain-free birth. I want him (or her) to be awake, alert, and ready to greet the world. I don't want his/her first introduction to the world to be cold metal instruments and strange pokes and prods and pains and everything that doesn't smell like MOM and confusion! I want it to be peaceful, I want Thomas and I to be the first faces and hands he sees and feels, to be safe and loved and comforted. I want to FEEL everything. I want to be able to actually move around and feel when I'm pushing and feel what the heck my muscles are doing. I want it to truly be an experience, not just something that happens to me.


Looking back on my first experience with pregnancy and labor and birth, I realize that I was gravely under-educated to actually give birth naturally. It was always a sort of goal, but it wasn't something we strove for. We didn't make a birth plan [mostly because I felt sort of discouraged from doing so by care providers. "These things never go how you plan them, dear." It didn't bother me at the time.] It was sort of a "we'd like to do it naturally, but we'll see how it goes" sort of commitment. I think the most motivating factor for me in wanting to birth naturally (without drugs) was the money- I felt very poor and I didn't want to have to burden my poor student husband with a big anesthesiologist bill on top of everything else. Not really a grounding factor in the face of labor pains.)

We attended the hospital-sponsored Lamaze-influenced birthing class, a 6-hour or so stint where they shoved everything they could into your head. I retained about 25% of it, mostly the stuff about how to care for the baby and how to sign for an epidural and what happens if you have to have a C-section. I remembered a little about the "focus point" and imagery and stuff to deal with pain but I didn't practice it. I didn't use it. I didn't train for birth. I just waited for it to happen and hoped everything would go ok. I don't think I'm alone in this either. I read an article that talks about this phenomenon, how women aren't educating themselves but relying on what doctors or nurses tell them. I was blessed with good doctors and nurses and I always felt safe in my birth experiences, but I know that isn't always what happens. It amazes me the number of stories I have read about OB's and L&D nurses that will LIE to women so the woman's birth goes according to the doctor's timetable. "If you don't ____ then your baby will die." "You have to get a cesarean because you've 'failed to progress'". I am shocked by this. It seems to me that birth has become a commercial "business" for many doctors. I don't want this for myself, ever. I am grateful to have given birth in a wonderful place.

Birth is not a disease! Birth is perfectly normal. Our bodies are amazing! Unless there is a medical situation that requires some outside intervention, birth will go just fine. A woman should prepare to allow her body to do what it needs to do, to listen to her intuition (the Spirit)-- to move where she needs to, to make whatever sounds suit her at the moment, etc. She shouldn't be forced to lay on her back, told to be quiet, and to not make any waves. I'm pretty sure childbirth is the biggest "wave" anyone ever rode- I say a woman should do whatever she needs to do to ride it out!

I think that birthing at home is an AMAZING option for women. It is NOT dangerous as some "experts" make it out to be. Some doctors (and associations) would have you believe that your baby will die if you give birth at home. Lies, lies lies. Birth will go just fine! It has for centuries! A woman's body is MADE for this- when we allow it to do what it was made to do miracles will happen. I believe that if I had not been at a hospital, laying on my back, (at least with Ethan) I would not have felt the need to ask for medication to manage my pain. I really believe that if I had taken adequate childbirth preparation classes I would have been more ready to face the pains and challenges of labor. I'm not really comfortable with unassisted birthing- I want someone who knows birthing intimately at my birth (midwife, doula, etc) to help me help my body do what it needs to do.

NOTE: I do NOT think that giving birth in a hospital is bad! I don't look down at or condemn anyone who chooses that for any reason. I am grateful for modern medicine, and the miracles it can work. I personally would not choose to give birth in a hospital again, barring an emergency medical situation that requires it.

I have learned a lot about "informed consent" and how many times that really isn't truly "informed". When I was in the hospital with Audrey that first time, whatever a nurse or doctor told me needed to be done I allowed- I didn't understand half what the paperwork I signed was, I completely deferred to their experience and what they said would be best. I asked questions sometimes, but I went with the "norm" and I was fine with that.

I do not like that the second time I gave birth, I asked the doctor after Ethan was born if I had torn, and he didn't really answer. He was stitching me up or something, and kind of mumbled something and looked back down. I think one of the nurses said "not much" after that because she could tell I hadn't heard him. I am 99% sure that he cut me (gave me an episiotomy)- not sure if it was because Ethan came so quickly, or if it was just routine, or what. I just don't like that I was lied to about it. Tell it to me straight, doc. But I can't blame anyone those first two times but myself- I was NOT EDUCATED. I didn't search out the knowledge I needed to understand all those options. I am working on that, so next time I give birth I WILL be educated- I will be empowered.
I had wonderful OB's and I loved them for both pregnancies, but I want something more for my next. I don't want to pay someone to show up at the very end of my labor and catch the baby. I want a better support system than a random nurse(s) that I don't even know. I want a caregiver that will stand beside me through all my pregnancy, and through my labor too. I want to trust her when she tells me to do something. Don't misunderstand-- I of course want Thomas to be my support more than anything. He will be my first and best support through all of it. But I just want more from the person who will be delivering my baby.

I am not pregnant now. I will be someday again- hopefully a few more times. I want to be prepared. "if ye are prepared then ye shall not fear". I have lived by this countless times through school, college, etc- why not motherhood too?


I don't write all this to sound soap-boxy or preachy or whatever- I just really had no idea of a lot of my options and how safe they are when I was a first-time pregnant soon-to-be mother. Some great places to get educated online, if you're interested:

Birth Without Fear
- due dates

Banned from Baby Showers
-due dates
- OB model of care vs Midwife model of care
-a decision to home birth must come from within YOU
- epidurals

Birth Faith
-home birth

Mama Birth