Thinking Double

When I was pregnant with Christian, for the first while Thomas and I both thought it was twins.  We came up with that impression independently.  It grew until it really consumed me to the point of me freaking out about having my planned birth center birth, since in Idaho you cannot deliver twins anywhere but in a hospital and THAT really freaked me out.  I scheduled an appt with my old OB to have an ultrasound, but cancelled two days later it because I just couldn't do it.  Finally around 12ish weeks I went to the midwife to see if she felt two babies in there.  I felt silly going, because that week I'd started to question if it really was twins, doubting what I'd felt so sure about earlier.  She only felt one, and there was only one heartbeat, which by that time I figured was probably the case.  The pregnancy was normal other than that.  But now, after Christian was born, there are still times I look around wondering in a sudden panic, “Where’s the other one???”  It always seems to be a girl baby that I instinctively look for, which is how I pictured the “baby” in my hypnosis sessions.  I pictured a girl with dark brown hair like me, about 5 years old at first.  Then it changed to a little baby of unknown gender.  I still feel that "where's the other one???" ... like... multiple times a day.  Ethan has asked me before "Where's the other one?" he never explained it but he did ask and then moved on to another question.  This morning he gave me a silky, gave Christian a silky, and then said "This one's for the twin".  I'm not sure what he meant because he wouldn't explain it, but... I really wonder if there were twins in there and one didn't take.  I know it's incredibly common to have it happen, usually before we could even know about it.  I don't feel sad or feel I am missing a piece of our family, because I know there will be more children to meet me one day, but it does make me thoughtful.